First off, this is not an argument against religion. As most people know, I am not a religious person at all. But that’s a different conversation. If anyone wants to know what my beliefs are, I’d be happy to share, but nobody seems particularly interested in listening to my beliefs, only pushing their own on me, so I won’t waste my time right now.
So. Xmas. And yes, I’m going to write Xmas because it’s shorter, easier to type, and that’s how I say it. “Exmas.” It’s supposed to be spelled out “Christmas” with the last name of that savior guy in the title. This is because it’s his birthday, right?
Wrong.
This is my first big problem with the holiday. Christians believe that it’s Jesus’ birthday and that’s why they’re celebrating. It is not.
Let’s assume for the sake of argument that everything in the Bible actually happened just the way it says. That’s what Christianity is based on, right? Let’s flip to the part when Jesus is born. There’s a whole lot in there about shepherds being in their fields. This takes place in the region generally known as Palestine, right?
Why don’t you go look up some information on Palestine’s climate. Don’t feel like it? That’s okay, I’ve already done it for you. In December in that part of the world, it is very, very cold. Far too cold, in fact, for any sane shepherd to be out in a field with some sheep. In fact, it’s too cold for the sheep to even survive very well out in the fields, and there aren’t even really any fields, just dead grass and dirt. So a shepherd would have to be pretty insane indeed to be out there. So insane that I certainly wouldn’t believe anything he said about angels.
Now let’s take a look at the historical significance of December 25. It is, as many people are aware but don’t care to discuss, the date of the ancient Roman pagan celebration Saturnalia. This was a huge festival (that eventually came to encompass the entire month of December because it was just so darn fun) in honor of the god Saturn. It was celebrated with lots of gay orgies, drunkenness, and violence, as was any good Roman holiday.
Consider this scenario: the Christians are sick of the Romans believing what they want and celebrating with a lot of fun, and they want to spread their own religion, but they simply cannot get these damned pagans to give up their good times and convert. Some guy gets a great idea: “Say, fellas, how about we put Christmas on the same day as Saturnalia? That way, we can claim that anyone who is celebrating the pagan festival is actually just celebrating the birth of their savior. We can make it look like everyone is a Christian without actually having to go to the trouble of converting them!” They decided this was a great idea, and proclaimed the entire nation to be Christian while still allowing them to celebrate their favorite holidays. (Interestingly enough, they also did this on Easter, which is actually a pagan fertility festival, which is why Jesus miraculously rose from the dead not on a set date, but on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.)
Over time, of course, they outlawed all the traditional ways of celebrating, calling orgies and gay sex and drunkenness “sins” and forcing everyone to act like authentic prudish Christians.
This is all extensively documented, of course. I’ve done the research and I encourage everyone else to do it as well. Prove me wrong. Don’t take my word for it.
Interestingly enough, although not a single person I have ever met has ever come up with anything resembling a convincing argument against all that I have listed here, everyone continues to wish Jesus a happy birthday on the 25th and force me into the exchange of overpriced crap we don’t need (see my “On the word Scrooge” essay).
In fact, Jesus must have been born, according to the Bible, in late spring or summer. On December 25th you are celebrating a highly sinful pagan holiday, and Jesus is probably very disappointed in you for doing so.
But let’s say that the shepherds were really out in their fields in the middle of the freezing winter taking bets on whether the sheep would freeze or starve to death first when the angels arrived. God decided to place the birth of the savior on the same day as a pagan holiday considered disgusting by Christians just to make it easier to convert the filthy Romans.
Why oh why oh why does there have to be something wrong with somebody just because they don’t like the holiday?
“It’s a magical time of year! There’s miracles and everyone is kind and good and selfless and charitable and you get to spend time with your loved ones and give thoughtful gifts to each other and everyone invites starving homeless people to Xmas dinner! Even if you’re not a Christian, you should still love the season for it’s magicalness!!!”
Yeah. Fucking. Right.
First off, I’ve never heard of an “Xmas miracle” on any scale happening anywhere outside of a movie or television special. Yesterday I had to run to the grocery store to buy some bread, and I thought somebody was going to kill me. The parking lot was packed full of people rushing to get their Xmas dinner groceries, you could only inch around looking for a parking space, and everyone was angry, impatient, swearing at me, and threatening to ram me if I got in their way. Inside the grocery store was no different, except it was bodies instead of cars. Nobody was nice, nobody was kind, nobody was patient. I actually saw a couple of women arguing over the last package of something or other that they needed for dinner.
This year, as every year, I tried to get my family, who insists on the exchange of gifts no matter how much I beg to be left out, to donate to charity in my name instead of buying me something. This year, as every year, they rolled their eyes, got angry, informed me that there was no fucking way they’re going to do that and to give them a REAL idea. Nobody gives thoughtful gifts. In my family, nobody is close, and in fact, none of us even really *like* each other, with very few exceptions. Everyone has a list of crap they want, and everybody gets more crap they don’t need, even if they don’t want it. But of course, I’m the only one in my family who doesn’t think it’s necessary to have more crap, who has decided that I have everything that I need and much more and I’d rather give to someone less fortunate than I. If I even suggest that I give any of my presents to charity after the holiday, everyone scowls at me, calls me ungrateful, tells me that I’m a bad person or a bad whatever-relation-to-them-
But let me give people the benefit of the doubt. Let me assume, for argument’s sake, that most people really are good people on Xmas. Most people miraculously turn into kind, generous, patient, thoughtful people for 24 hours, and I’ve just had the misfortune of being surrounded by the exceptions for my entire life.
I still have a huge problem with Xmas.
What’s my problem, you ask? It’s that nearly everyone I know is a miserable bastard year round. They claim to be better people on that one day out of the year. One day out of every 365.25 days, they decide that they’re good people. After all, it’s Xmas.
And the other 364.25 days? They’re a bunch of miserable fucking bastards. They are selfish, greedy, materialistic, impatient, nasty people who would never dream of buying someone a gift for no reason or giving a penny to charity. I’d say a good 85% of all people I’ve ever known fall into this category. Yet somehow, they seem to think that everyone being just a tiny bit nicer to each other on one single day out of the year makes it all okay.
On the other hand. I, as well as perhaps 15% of the people I know, am a good person year round. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do my best each and every day to be kind and thoughtful and generous and caring and charitable and loving. Even though most people do not give a fuck about me. Even though I’ve never had a true friend in my entire life. Even though my family doesn’t like me and every time I think I’ve made a friend, they desert me as soon as the semester is over. Even though very few people ever appreciate anything that I try to do for them or anyone else. Despite all of these things, I always strive to be a good person, not to give in to society and become a miserable bastard like everyone else.
364.25 days out of the year, I’m a good person. And one, just one day out of the year, I’m a miserable bastard.
But there’s not something wrong with the world, or with the holiday. Oh no. There’s something wrong with ME. There’s something wrong with me because I don’t love Xmas.
And as Xmas approaches, suddenly people pretend to care. “Gee, Meg, why do you look so depressed? It’s XMAS!! You should be happy!” They don’t actually DO anything about it of course. They try to get me to like Xmas, because there’s something horribly wrong with someone who doesn’t. But nobody offers to spend time with me. Nobody decides that I’m a good person that they’d like to be friends with and hang around with. Nobody really wants to know why I’m unhappy, only why I don’t like Xmas. And even then, they don’t really want to know why I don’t like it, they just want to make me like it. Some of them give me some chocolate or something. But as soon as the 25th is over, everyone just stops caring. Their single day of being decent is over. For 364.25 days out of the year, I’m incredibly lonely, and nobody gives a shit.
“Nobody should be alone on Xmas.” Every homeless person should get a free meal. Everyone without a family should have a friend to spend the day with. Every underprivileged child should get a toy to play with. Every lonely person who doesn’t like Xmas should be called Scrooge and smothered by carols and TV specials until they “come around.”
And as soon as the day is over, every homeless person should go right back to their cardboard box in the alley. Everyone without a family should go back to eating every meal alone. Every underprivileged child’s toy should be sold by their parents for drug money. And every lonely person who has been bombarded by cheap replacements for love and affection should go back to being lonely and shut the hell up about it, because nobody fucking cares.
Well Xmas is fucked up and I’m sick of it. There does NOT have to be something wrong with me because I don’t like it. There’s something wrong with everyone else for thinking that one day of insincere greetings should make up for an entire year of being an asshole.
Thing is, I'm not trying to make everyone else hate Xmas. I'm not trying to convert anyone, I'm not trying to ruin everyone's day. I don't even care what other people believe, as long as it makes them happy, it doesn't hurt anyone, and they don't push it on me. All I'm trying to do is explain why I'm so miserable during this one time of year, and to get people to stop trying to force their holiday down my throat. I'd be just fine all through December if only people weren't constantly trying to make me like Xmas. Here are my reasons, you are not going to change them, please leave me alone about it. And if you aren't going to be a real friend to me year round, then don't bother pretending to care on Xmas - it's just insulting, and a nasty reminder of how lonely I am.
And yes, that really is the short version. I have more to say, but I’m too busy wrapping shit for my family members and watching my phone not ring to bother.
“I know nobody likes me. Why does there have to be a holiday season to emphasize it?” – Charlie Brown
“Christmas is a pagan holiday… And Jesus probably hates you for celebrating it.” – Huey Freeman (The Boondocks)
Io Saturnalia, motherfuckers.
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