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My response to this article about banning "tag" at recess.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A bill proposed six months ago was voted into law today by the House of Representatives. The new law will raise the minimum legal age for the playing of tag, football, soccer, four square, dodgeball, hide-and-seek, and a host of other violent activities to 21. The law raises the age from 18, because, as one representative put it, "kids are still getting hurt. They are breaking the law and playing these games illegally, and once they reach the age of eighteen the number of injuries skyrockets. Americans need to be mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come with playing before they start becoming involved in these activities.”

Many American parents are overjoyed at the new law. “Finally, I can focus on choosing my college-aged children’s classes in college and making phone calls when the professors hurt their feelings, rather than having to worry that they might be engaging in physical activity with other human beings,” exclaimed one mother.

“This is fantastic,” said a conservative right-wing nutjob. “I’m so happy I almost forgot that homosexuals are having loving relationships with each other in the privacy of their own homes!”

“This is one thing we can finally agree on,” added one liberal douchebag. “My poor schnookums is safe from harm, and I’ve even decided to let him live on campus at school, a full seven miles from home, provided he calls every day for me to come tuck him in at night.”

Of course, there are still problems with the system. “The number of juvenile arrests has tripled in the last two years,” said a local police chief. “Kids are trying their damnedest to dodge the law and play these games in secret – mostly at night in abandoned quarries, warehouses, construction sites, and other such places. Come to think of it, having to dodge the law is causing these kids to behave more dangerously than they used to.”

“That would stop if only they would start obeying the law,” responded a supporter of the new change, adding that if they are so determined to get themselves injured, then they should be locked up in juvenile hall for their own safety.

Not all parents are happy with the law. “If my kid wants to run around and get hurt,” proclaims one father, “she should be able to. It’s part of growing up. It’s up to the parents to make sure nothing unacceptable is happening, not the government. Kids have been playing outside for thousands of years, and it’s never done any harm yet – in fact, it’s how they learn! Taking these things away from them is only going to damage them later in life! IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME??? HAS THE WORLD GONE CRAZY????” The man was taken away in handcuffs and charged with disorderly conduct.

Several psychologists were expected to be on hand to provide their expert opinions on the subject, but most of them have mysteriously gone missing. The rest were last seen clutching government checks.

William F. Asshat, Esq., one of the new change’s most vocal supporters, made a public statement: “Today we have made a great leap in our struggle, but it is only just beginning. We need to continue to fight to keep our children safe, without ever having to take responsibility for the things they do. Today’s victory will offer even greater inspiration for parents to take a stand against their outdated obligations, and we will be certain to continue to sue every organization that encourages the brutal treatment of children, as we have for the past ten years.” Asshat is a multi-billionaire with no children of his own. Rumors have begun to circulate that his next move will be to try to outlaw shoelaces, as children might strangle themselves with them. The crusade will begin with class action lawsuits against all companies that manufacture the lethal devices. Asshat could not be reached for comment after his speech.

August 2008, Associated Press